Poetry Fridays and Cat Blogging if Beauregard Wakes Up in Time


e.e. cummings. #54 of 100 selected poems.

you shall above all things be glad and young.
For if you're young, whatever life you wear

it will become you; and if you are glad
whatever's living will yourself become,
Girlboys may nothing more than boygirls need:
I can entirely her only love

whose any mystery makes every man's
flesh put space on; and his mind take off time

that you should ever think, may god forbid
and (in his mercy) your true lover spare:
for that way knowledge lies, the foetal grave
called progress, and negation's dead undoom.

I'd rather I learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance

Polls? I don't need no stinkin' polls!

National
Gallup 3/26-28
Bush: 51 (+7)
Kerry: 47 (-5)

Pew 3/22-28
Bush: 44 (+2)
Kerry: 43 (-6)

Newsweek 3/25-26
Bush: 47 (-1)
Kerry: 48 (-)

Fox 3/23-24
Bush: 44 (-)
Kerry: 44 (-)

Count me among the mystified. How can rational people still be for Bush? Maybe it's Kerry. Hey, maybe Kerry's just a decoy candidate. You know, get Bush to spend his gazillions trashing the wrong guy, and at the Democrat convention, out will pop a knight in shining armor who will lead us to victory.

I wish I liked Kerry more. It's hard to have faith in someone you don't feel warm towards. When I hear Kerry sound more hawkish than Bush, I'm distressed. It suggests to me a campaign strategy is already in place. Maybe it's a good strategy. Who am I to say? My instincts tell me that the Kerry campaign is not getting a coherent message out. Kerry has not convinced me to vote for him despite my being for anybody but Bush. Of course, I'm voting for him, but it's not because of anything he's said or done.

I know, breathe deeply. There's six months to go in this campaign. Anything can happen.

Sundays


Wanted: a burly intellectual with a keen sense of humor who likes to read on Sunday mornings. Apply within.

I slept in this morning. A hour or so before I woke up, I dreamed about the morning. It was cool. It was a bright, sun-filled morning with birds singing, flowers in bloom. I imagined myself getting up and taking a five-mile walk around Lake Merritt, stopping at a small cottage to admire an incredible hill of irises and to chat with the two handsome men who live there. Back home, the coffee's made, fresh orange juice is on the table, and the Sunday morning paper. There was another character in my dream. He never had a face or a voice, just a presence, and it felt good.

I woke up to a gray morning that wasn't inviting. My back hurt from house cleaning on Saturday, so I didn't feel like a walk. My head hurt from my sinuses stuffing up during the night. I had to make the coffee myself, and there was no orange juice. No Sunday paper either. That presence? Probably that damn cat snuggling up under my arm early in the morning. Sigh. Make it an exasperated sigh.

My mother is due tomorrow for a short visit. She's 77 and in good health. Hell she's still working fulltime. She says she's going to continue working until she gets her social security payment up to $1,000 a month. She started late in that department. Her husband of 20 years divorced her when just before she turned 62. Having been a housewife most of the previous years, she wasn't well prepared for retirement alone. She chose to be contentious and petty in divorcing her husband, and between the two of them, they let the legal cost of the divorce consume about half of what the communal estate was worth. I told my mother she was paying a hefty "stupid tax." However, she didn't ask quarter and she didn't give quarter. The son of a bitch wronged her, and sons of bitches need to pay when they wrong a lady. And ladies have to pay when they spend their retirement money making those sons of bitches pay. So she works full time. She's a tax preparer for the leading name company of that industry.

We have not always been close. One of the characters in YaYa Sisterhood says that all Southern women model themselves after one of the women in Gone with the Wind. I sure as hell understood that. My mother was Scarlett O'Fucking Hara herself. This is my mother the year before I was born.


Dorothy Ruth Droddy English

My siblings and I were always supporting characters in her play, never the other way around. She was married 4 times, had 2 significant affairs, and one significant other that was with her for over five years in her late sixties. My mother comes from a line of such women that stretches back into the late 1700s. My mother is a Redbone woman, although she considers the word vulgar and demeaning. She was a beautiful woman, and she used her beauty as a tool with which she manipulated men. She retired from men around the age of 70. Frankly, none of her children believed her at the time, but she didn't say it for our benefit, she was just announcing a new phase.

I have not always given Dorothy high grades as a mother, but all four of her kids turned out pretty good. What other criteria does one use to judge a parent? We weren't always happy, but we were always fed and clothed. We weren't given a silver spoon, but we were taught that if we were going to have a silver spoon, we'd have to work hard for it ourselves, no one was going to give it to you. I resented her several times as a child, and I was only with her parttime. She shared my upbringing with her mother.

The most generous thing my mother ever did for me and my two sisters was to bring us to California in 1963. She had been married to the World's Greatest Asshole for about 10 years at this time. He had recently returned from Saudi Arabia and had taken a job in California. By now she despised him almost as much as I did, so when asked why was she going back to him, she calmly answered that women did better in divorce in California than they did in Texas. A year later she divorced him.

Then she tricked me into returning to my grandmother's in Texas to finish high school. I figured out that I was tricked and barely spoke to my mother for the next ten years. Jane Kazmarek who plays Malcolm's mother in Malcolm in the Middle says to Malcolm in one episode that she doesn't worry about him because she knows he's going to do alright. That was my mother's attitude towards me. She was right, but I think it was a lucky guess. So when I was finishing high school in Texas so I could afford to go the University of Texas as a state resident, she was in California with my two sisters, a good job, her looks, and a red Impala super sport with a white leather interior. She always had a certain style. I was real mad during those ten years I was mad at her.

I'm old enough now to appreciate my mother as a character. She was and continues to be the star of her own life. She and I are now close friends. I have no fan more loyal, nor friend more dependable. She is still the star, though, and retains the ability to relegate others to a supporting role. Last year I had a dinner party for her, and I was recounting a childhood memory, my mother corrects me in front of my guests and says, "That never happened." If it happened when she was off stage, to her it never happened.

Since 65, she has been around the world, missing only Africa and India. She loves New York and has been there twice, once alone. Five years ago, she went to China with a cultural exchange group. She went to Paris and Normandy with me. In Paris, she got to go on stage at the Folies Bergere and jitterbug to the music of World War II. Another year, we did a pilgrimage with one of her granddaughters to Ireland where she imagines her family is from.

She fell and broke her hip last year. That scared the bejeezus out of us. She's had a full recovery, but no longer do we have the luxury of thinking her invincible. Now when she takes off in her car to see my sisters 500 miles away, I worry a little bit more than I might have before last year. She has not turned over the job of worrying about her to me yet. I hope it doesn't become mine by default anytime soon, either.

Oh, and she despises Bush and Republicans everywhere. Say hi, Dorothy.

Poetry and Cats

First, poetry for our chimp-in-chief, Biff "You know, like wow, I'm the President" Bush.

Friend, that open mouth
Reveals your
Whole Interior ...
Silly Hollow Frog!
- Anon.

Now for cats. Beauregard again. Who else?

Giving President Bush Some Help


The pressure of speaking to the press got the better of President Bush Wednesday evening, and as a result he was unable to remember any of the mistakes he has made, much less the most serious mistake. The Center for American Progress is conducting an online poll to help the President by allowing people to vote for the worst mistake. I'm sure they'll send a nice note to the Prez and inform him of the final vote.

I'm still ranting about the press conference Tuesday night. I can't quite put it down. I was and continue to be shocked by his articulateness. He also excused himself for lying by saying he can only say what he has been told. To prove his point, he proceeded to lie about the amount of mustard gas that was "found on a turkey farm." We also know that "people hide things because they have something to hide." The man is truly clueless. It's almost enough to make you wish it were Jeb there instead of George. Almost.

Attention, Texans

Lisa over at Kamikaze Kumquat has uncovered a gem. You gotta go visit Juanita's, the World's Most Dangerous Beauty Shop. First, Juanita's takes on Gov. Hairdo and his Special Session of the Legislature to raise sin taxes in order to pay for everything. That is so very Texan. In a previous article, Juanita tells us about a recent Tom DeLay visit in Rosenburg (which I believe is in his district near Sugarland) where he rudely told a bunch of teachers they were living in an alternate universe. He's right about that, but not in the way he intended. Go visit Juanita.


Remember when we used to send these little fun links around to each other on email? I just got one from a friend. It was fun. Alcohol and Ammo.

Where Did That Body Go?

Some Christian sects actually go looking for the body on Easter Sunday. Only when they don't find it do they proclaim, "Hallelujah, He's Risen!" It's a little late to call off the celebration for this year, but it looks as though they found it. (Via Lisa, at Kamikaze Kumquat)

I saw Jesus in a tortilla once, but I was more hungry than I was curious, so I ate him.

TBogg Nails It

..."There was, you know, kind of departments that at times didn't communicate.." -Biff Bush

He's just three "like" 's and one "so I'm all..." away from being a 14-year-old girl at the mall.

This is the clown the Right sees as a strong war president? Is inarticulateness a sign of strength? I didn't get the memo.

Squawk, squawk, squawk!

Have you made any mistakes? Him, haw, him, haw, him haw.

Have you failed in any way? Him, haw, him, haw, him, haw.

Have you failed to communicate the importance of the war against terror? Him, haw, him, haw, him, haw.

Shorter, simpler Bush: No. It's not my fault. This is very difficult. I don't speak very well. These are tough questions. No, I communicate well, it's that some people hear stupidly. It's not my fault.

Shorter, simpler Ashcroft: It's Clinton's fault.

Back to shorter, simpler Houston. That man was so inarticulate that I almost felt sorry for him. Almost. He has absolutely no right in the world to claim victimhood because it's such a tough job and he has to read all the time. I'm pretty damn sure if he read half the shit that comes at him from day to day, he'd be more articulate that what we heard tonight. He'd at least know a few more words to use.

Kerry's op ed piece in the Washington Post today annoyed me to no end. It reminded me that Kerry was not my first choice.

Buckle up, folks, we're in for a bumpy ride. Hold on to one another. The election in November is not the great battle between the forces or darkness and evil on one side, and Justice and Liberty on the other. It's still important though. I have only one issue and that is the composition of the Supreme Court. I see that as the crucial issue. Kerry at his worst will do better than Bush at his best. Nothing else matters. What matters if Iraq is free and we aren't?

France, a Report

I am an unabashed francophile. When I was a kid growing up in East Texas, I used to imagine that I was French, even to the point of pretending to speak French. I studied French as soon as it was offered in school. To this day, I still drink red wine, eat several varieties of cheese, and love hanging out at cafes along the Boulevard St. Germaine. I'm only saying this because I'm about to make fun of France.

Wanda needs some light hearted distraction. This was sent to me last year when everyone was making fun of France.

Travel Advisory for France

Travel advisory for Americans heading for France The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the U.S. State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Center for Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only and no guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.

General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of Europe, and is, for all intents and purposes, fucking useless. It is an important member of the world community, although not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland, and some smaller nations of no particular consequence or shopping opportunities. France is a very old country with many treasures such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to Western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese, the guillotine, and body odor. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, although many will speak English if shouted at repeatedly.

The People
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously over-sexed and have no concept of standing patiently in a line. The French people are generally gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are Communists and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie and they kiss each other when they hand out medals.. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful pants for easier mutual recognition. All French women have small tits, and don't shave their armpits or their legs.

Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers are advised that France is occasionally invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitors generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London.

History
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport. The French armies of the past have had their asses kicked by just about every other country in the world.

Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a runoff. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the current President is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to see why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever made a movie that you want to watch for anything except the nude scenes. Nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except perhaps an evening with a French family.)

Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. American travelers are therefore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at McDonald's or the restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton or Holiday Inn. Bring your own beer, as the domestic varieties are nothing but a poor excuse for such.

Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's economy in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly ever work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French people didn't inhabit it, and it weren't still radioactive from all the nuclear tests they run. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Spain. Remember no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our vacation in Oklahoma City and you are advised to do the same. -finis

I'll be back later tonight with some thoughts on Ashcroft's testimony and Bush's press conference.

Got an Easter Bonnet?



Size Queen! If you want some more pictures, visit my gallery.

Flying Pigs



This is Ramona.

Snapshots of Ourselves

1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
"day. In one sense we can all relax, because" (Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment by Thaddeus Golas)

2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
A bookshelf

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Jim Lehrer's Newshour on PBS Friday night

4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is:
10:15

5: Now look at the clock; what is the actual time?
9:18

6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
Cafe Music by Paul Schoenfeld being played on From the Top, a classical music program for young people.

7: When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
A few minutes ago. Playing with plants on my deck.

8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
David's motorcycle on BlogAmy

9: What are you wearing?
Boxers

10: Did you dream last night?
No

11: When did you last laugh?
At dinner last night

12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?
From Right to left: a thermostat; an abstract painting; another abstract painting; a flying pig; a mirror; a moosehead made of paper mache; a candleabra; and a collection of stars of all sizes, and a bearskin rug. (It's a big room!)

13: Seen anything weird lately?
No.

14: What do you think of this quiz?
Interesting.

15: What is the last film you saw?
At home, on DVD, Sordid Lives

16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
A ticket out of here.

17: Tell me something about you that I don't know.
I'm a recovering Republican. Sober now for 36 years.

18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Distribute wealth among nations a little more equitably.

19: Do you like to dance?
More than my body does.

20: George Bush: is he a power-crazy nutcase or some one who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years?
Neither

21: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Keziah

22: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Alexander

23: Would you ever consider living abroad?
I'm moving to Paris as soon as I retire which will be between now and six years.

Okay, that's someone else's 23 questions. I think I'm going to come up with my own quiz of questions. Can't right now, I'm heading off to the 25th anniversary party of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence at Dolores Park in San Francisco. My best friend, Huntly, is their pope, Dementia I. He likes for me to drive him to their events because I have a black cadillac with lots of gold on it. I used to be afraid of going to their events. You know, lightening and all that. Why take chances. What if god doesn't have a sense of humor? Lord knows his followers don't. Then god spoke to me and told me it was alright, and that She would be there too. I'll take some pictures and report back tomorrow.

Last night Katie had her first seder. Not bad, all things considered. It's not exactly traditional to do a fifth night seder, but she's a working girl. The food was good, the Haggadah was awful. I think it was written by a friend of hers. The haggadah is the roadmap for the service. The biggest problem was too much of the writing was too small for these old eyes to see. The next problem was it was too "new agey." Since God is a Black lesbian, I don't think She matters if we occasionally slip and call her "He."

Happy Easter to all. I worked for two weeks on a "what do I believe as a Gay Christian" essay that I decided wasn't written well, despite my earnest desire to share my innermost feelings. Oh, well. I'm off to play.

Guess What They Have in Mind for Homosexuals?

Those Assembly of God folks sure have a keen sense of humor. NOT.

It may not have been as gruesome as Mel Gibson's movie, but many parents and children got upset when a church trying to teach about Jesus' crucifixion performed an Easter show with actors whipping the Easter bunny and breaking eggs.

People who attended Saturday's show at Glassport's memorial stadium quoted performers as saying, "There is no Easter bunny," and described the show as being a demonstration of how Jesus was crucified.

Melissa Salzmann, who brought her 4-year-old son J.T., said the program was inappropriate for young children. "He was crying and asking me why the bunny was being whipped," Salzmann said.

Patty Bickerton, the youth minister at Glassport Assembly of God, said the performance wasn't meant to be offensive. Bickerton portrayed the Easter rabbit and said she tried to act with a tone of irreverence.

"The program was for all ages, not just the kids. We wanted to convey that Easter is not just about the Easter bunny, it is about Jesus Christ," Bickerton said.

Performers broke eggs meant for an Easter egg hunt and also portrayed a drunken man and a self-mutilating woman, said Jennifer Norelli-Burke, another parent who saw the show in Glassport, a community about 10 miles southeast of Pittsburgh.

"It was very disturbing," Norelli-Burke said. "I could not believe what I saw. It wasn't anything I was expecting."

Cooking for Jesus

I stole this recipe from Norbizness over at Happy Furry Puppy Time. It just sounds divine. (Hee hee, pun intended.)

(1) Resurrection Rolls: Give each child a marshmallow, this represents Jesus... Then wrap up the coated marshmallow tightly in the crescent roll.. This represents the wrapping of Jesus' body after death... Place in a 350 degree oven for 10 - 12 minutes (The oven represents the tomb--pretend like it was three days!)... When the rolls have cooled slightly, the children can open their rolls and discover that Jesus is no longer there, HE IS RISEN! (The marshmallow melts and the crescent roll is puffed up, but empty). Alleluia.

Good Friday

Who casts not up his eye to the sun when it rises?
Who takes off his eye from a comet when that breaks out?
Who bends not his ear to any bell which upon any occasion rings?
Who can remove it from that bell which is passing a piece of himself out of this world?
No man is an island, entire of himself;
Every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less,
As well as if a promontory were,
As well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were:
Any man's death diminishes me,
Because I am involved in mankind, and
Therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;
It tolls for thee.

John Donne


Iraqi dead: 8,800 - 10,600 and rising
Coalition Forces: 744 and rising

How was Condiliar's Performance?

I confess I had little to no interest in Dr. Rice's testimony. No one in Bush's administration is capable of telling the truth. I listened to her briefly, trusting that I could find a summarization of her testimony in the blogosphere. I never expected it to be done as quickly and succintly as this. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Neal Pollack's summarization of Rice's testimony to the 9/11 commission:

Lie, lie, distortion, half-truth, pander, manipulation, pseudo-intellectual bombast. Dodge, dodge, feint, lie, dodge, avoid, subject change, lie, slander, pretentious generalization, character assassination, bald-faced lie.


Oversimplification, undersimplification, condescension, insult, insult, lie, avoidance of responsibility, avoidance of question about avoiding responsibility, cheap political point, utter, malicious lie.


Grimace, slither, dodge, lie, deliberate misinterpretation of history, nonpartisan character disparagement, narrative designed by public-relations experts to create maximum “connection” with American public. Appearance of professionalism, resoluteness, capableness, preparedness. Major omission of lie to create partial truth. Lie for political convenience. Lie for partisan gain. Lie to protect the economic interests of an incredibly small number of people. Reception of flattery. Dispersal of flattery. Abuse of good will afforbed by ten people who are trying to gather evidence without partisan bias. Backhanded dismissal of all criticsism. Denial of any responsibility in orchestrating what will almost certainly become the most tragic and bloody war of this generation.


Rinse and repeat.

I came across this over at NTodd's place.

Which Famous Homosexual are You?

I was quite disappointed that I wasn't the answer to my own question, but I'll settle.

Which Famous Homosexual are you?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey


This is from Diana. We're all feeling pretty bad today, so maybe this will lighten the mood somewhat.

I Yam Not a Drag Queen!
(although I played one once in a movie about my life)

Amy over at Blog Amy has the scoop on cross-dressing Republican state house candidate, Sam Walls, 64 of Johnson County. [For those not immediately familiar with Texas, Johnson County is south of Ft. Worth towards Waco.]

"... [P]ictures of Walls in women's clothing - several of which were provided to the "Fort Worth Star-Telegram" - began circulating late last week around Burleson and Cleburne, rival towns on opposite ends of the district.

"GOP Treasurer Roy Giddens, Jr., an elder statesman in the Johnson County Republican Party, met with Walls last week to discuss the photos and was assured there was nothing more than "cross-dressing" involved.

"And as far as Giddens is concerned, wearing earrings, a wig and high-heel shoes does not preclude Walls from becoming an excellent state representative.

"'I don't have a problem with cross-dressing,' Giddens said. 'There are lots of them. People think J. Edgar Hoover was one of the greatest Americans that ever lived. He was a cross-dresser.'"

I don't have a problem with cross-dressing either. Who says Texas hasn't come a long way?

Update: Via The Drudge Retort, we have pictures. I copped one, but if you want to see the rest, go visit the source.

Isn't he/she a beaut!

Let me say this about that: I believe in fashion freedom. Why should women get to wear pants and men can't wear skirts? If it seems I'm making fun of this poor sap, it's because I am. Republicans believe in one set of rules for themselves, and another set for the rest of us poor schmucks. Screw that. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Want to wear dresses and have affairs with your secretary of state, governor, be my guest. I just want to help you get the publicity you deserve. Remember though, until the world is safe for drag queens, it's safe for no one.

THIS is Fucking Brutal Murder!

"Late Tuesday, U.S. warplanes destroyed four houses, killing 16 children. "

Fuck you bunch of wingnuts. You make me sick to my stomach. Eat shit, Owen.